


Holodeck Adventures

by Chippa



Category: Star Trek Online
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, As many Tony characters as I could wedge in, Crack, Discord friends as Starfleet officers, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27087412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chippa/pseuds/Chippa
Summary: What happens when you cross discord, Anthony Valentine, Star Trek Online and my bored brain at work.... Madness ensues.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 4





	Holodeck Adventures

**Author's Note:**

> This has very little to do with Star Trek Online other than the name of my ship, her captain and chief engineer.
> 
> This is just cracky nonsense that involves discord friends and multiple characters played by Anthony Valentine because, no matter what anyone might say, you can't have too much Tony!! 😉🔥😁

Ensign Chippa yawned as she entered the turbolift. It was the end of another boring shift. “Deck five” she called out to the computer as the doors closed. The lift started upwards immediately, heading towards the crew quarters.

When she had joined the crew of the U.S.S. Valentine she couldn’t believe her luck. To be posted to such a prestigious ship was the chance of a lifetime and the reputation of her captain, Jerand Avala was well known throughout Starfleet Academy. Fair and friendly they had told her and from what little she had seen of the man it appeared to be true.

Of course when she had joined the crew a year ago she had imagined having all sorts of wild adventures, now of course she was well aware that a typical day, especially for a lowly ensign security officer, wasn’t all that exciting. The most interesting thing that she had to do in the last eight hours was chase down a kitten that had escaped from lieutenant commander McCall’s quarters. “Ah well,” she thought to herself, “at least I’m not wearing a red shirt, it’s adventure I want, not death and dismemberment!”

The turbolift doors opened, breaking into Chippa’s thoughts bringing her back to reality and depositing her at the far end of deck five, just a short walk to the quarters reserved for ensigns and lieutenants.

As she wandered down the corridor, head down and thinking of how to spend her free time she nearly ran into a group of officers coming the other way.

“Hailing ensign Chippa” called out ensign Trebor laughingly before there could be a collision. Chippa’s head shot up as she became aware of the people walking towards her. “Sorry Trebor, I was in a world of my own” she said. “Hi Katie, Hi Claire” she waved to her fellow ensigns. “Where are you guys going off to, you’re not on duty now are you”?

“Hell no” replied Katie. “We’re off to the recreation room for a drink and to meet the rest of the gang”.

“Why don’t you join us” said Claire, “unless you have something else planned for your evening”.

“Nah, I have nothing special planned, I thought I might visit the holodeck but I don’t think I have enough replicator rations left to spend any decent amount of time there. I’ll happily tag along with you guys. I could do with a drink and some company. God today has been dull”.

Katie smiled and said “I’ll trade your dull day for my crazy one any time. I didn’t think you could get allergies in space but the medbay has been packed today”.

“Tell me about it” muttered Claire. “They were all minor little things, well except for poor lieutenant Firestorm717, but it was never ending”.

“What happened to Firestorm717”? asked Trebor as they got to the turbolift and ordered it to take them to deck ten and the recreation lounge.

“She broke her arm falling from the gantry while inspecting the warp core or something. I never realised that engineering could be so dangerous” Katie joked. “Yes, it does seem that we see more engineers than even you security types” added Claire, “are you sure you actually do any work on this ship? she said laughing.

“I’ll have you know I have a very important job here” Chippa grumbled good naturedly. “I mean who else is prepared to keep you all safe from the wildlife freely roaming this ship” she said as they entered the rec room at last and headed for the bar.

“What’s that you were saying about wildlife Chippa?” A voice drifted towards them from the noisy bar and a moment later the owner of the voice stepped forward carrying a tray of refreshments. “Did lieutenant commander McCall’s Persian cat escape again?”

“Don’t tell them that ensign Paige. I was trying to look useful and heroic and now you’ve given the game away”.

“Don’t worry, you’re useful” Paige replied. “That’s good to know” said Chippa. “Yeah, highly useful – I need someone to carry the tray of drinks!” Laughing she handed her fellow ensign the tray of beverages before making her way across the room. “Come on guys, I think I see lieutenant Wolfie over there with her head in a book as usual. Lets go disturb her”.

Making their way across the lounge the five of them headed to where the figure of lieutenant Wolfie was sitting at a table in secluded corner of the room. She was hunched over making furious notes on a P.A.D.D. with one hand while turning the pages of a tatty looking book in the other. Across from Wolfie was the Vulcan lieutenant tremendousdetectivetheory who everyone just called tdt because no one but another Vulcan could ever pronounce their name!

Lieutenant tdt was watching in bemusement as Wolfie would turn the pages of the barely holding together book and then curse as a page fell out and drifted under the table, scramble underneath to retrieve it only for the same thing to happen a few minutes later.

“I will never understand the fascination you have in reading that thing when the same information is available on the computer” she said to her fellow lieutenant.

“It’s just not the same” said Wolfie. “No” replied tdt, “it is better”. “Spoken like a true Vulcan” chuckled Trebor as they sat down. The others retrieved chairs from a neighbouring table and soon all seven of them were seated and ready to relax and enjoy their off duty time.

“Let me guess” Katie said pointing at the well loved book, “Raffles”.

“What are you researching this time Wolfie”? Claire said. “You must have read that thing a hundred times by now”.

“Lieutenant Ozriphale mentioned something about the bicycles in The Wrong House and a comparison to Sherlock Holmes and I was just checking it out. Did you know that Hornung did this _two years_ before Doyle ever did? He never gets the credit he deserves” she muttered indignantly.

Knowing how likely Wolfie was to go off on a good natured rant about Hornung versus Doyle, not that any of those gathered there would mind as they mostly agreed with her, tdt spoke quickly.

“I too have been doing research”.

“What are you researching tdt”? Trebor asked. “Presumably not something Raffles related”.

“No, I have been researching the origins of the name of the U.S.S. Valentine. I have narrowed it down to three likely possibilities. As you know, Starfleet usually names their ships after famous people who have contributed something to society or to place names. I believe that it is most likely named after the scientists David H. Valentine or James W, Valentine or possibly the composer Robert Valentine”.

“Sorry tdt but you’re wrong.” The Vulcan looked over at ensign Chippa and raised an eyebrow enquiringly.

“These are the most logical people for the vessel to be named after. Who are you suggesting”?

“Why the famous English actor from the twentieth century of course, Anthony Valentine. He’s obviously the best candidate for such an important ship”.

“His name sounds familiar, wasn’t he that guy we saw in that old show we watched last month about time travel”? Said Paige.

“Dr Who you mean” said Claire. “No that’s William Russell you’re thinking of” said Katie dreamily.

“It wasn’t Dr Who he was in” said Wolfie “he was the guy who played Raffles in that great series they did in the 1970’s. That was the best version of Raffles for years, well at least until the remake done by that Swedish fan, I forget their name but the show was fantastic”.

“He’s played loads of great characters. It’s great fun to recreate them in the holodeck. The hard part is choosing which one. Too many great characters and not enough holodeck hours”.

“You could always just load them all at the same time” Trebor said with a smile.

“That would be chaotic” said Katie, “chaotic but fun” replied Chippa.

“Talk about Tony overload” Claire said with a smile. “How much Tony is too much Tony? Actually, can you have too much Tony”? asked Paige.

“You can _never_ have too much Tony” replied Chippa emphatically and I’ll prove it to you. Lets meet up at holodeck one and ask the computer to load as many characters as we can think of – it’ll be fun”.

“It’ll be chaos” said Wolfie. “Let’s do it”!

“It will be er, good research into the processing capabilities of the subroutines in the holodeck computer matrices…” began tdt before Chippa nudged the Vulcan playfully and said “Sure lieutenant, whatever you say, we know you just want to see all the gorgeous Tony characters really”.

“That would not be logical” lieutenant tdt replied, blushing, but they noticed she didn’t try to refute the statement. Laughing everyone left the lounge and made their way towards the turbolifts that would take them to holodeck one and the adventure that awaited.

************************************************************************************************************

“Right, that’s that sorted, twenty-three assorted Anthony Valentine characters ranging from the sweet and kindly Rudi Kleiber to the villains that are Garard and Bright”. Seeing that everyone looked like they were going to ask about their own personal favourites she held up her hands and added; “yes, I have added Raffles… and James and of course everyone’s favourite psychopath, Toby Meres. I’ve even added that camp chauffeur you guys love so much” she said turning towards Katie and Claire and seeing them grin and give the thumbs up.

“I’ve asked the computer to come up with a narrative that would make sense to bring these different characters together in one setting but I can’t guarantee it will make that much sense”.

She tapped in the final instructions and commanded the doors to open.

“I blame Stephen Moffat personally,” she continued. “After that accident with the holodeck last month when his ghost infected the computer systems the storytelling has never quite been the same”!

As the holodeck doors closed behind them, leaving behind the world of the 25th century the motley crew of intrepid adventurers looked around them to see just what setting they had been transported in to.

It appeared to be some sort of club. There were tables dotted about all around them before an open space ahead which was obviously supposed to serve as the dance floor. To the left ran a long bar that ran half the length of the room with shining bottles full of brightly coloured drinks in optics behind it. There didn’t seem to be many people in the club. There were a couple of shady looking characters leaning on the bar and trying to look cool as they stared around the room.

“Looks like those guys are casing the joint” said Paige. “They probably are” replied Katie. “That one with the funny looking hair is called Bright, he’s a petty criminal and a right nasty piece of work”. “The other one is a dangerous criminal too” added Chippa, “but he has a lovely smile and looks very good wielding a shotgun”. Noticing the strange looks she was getting from the others she shrugged, “what? It’s true. I don’t want him to see him use it but he does look hot handling that weapon”. She turns away from them. “You know I’m right, you just don’t want to admit it”.

“Who’s that strange looking bloke hovering by the wall watching them”? Trebor asked. “Which one”? said tdt. “That shadowy one leaning against the wall. I can’t see what he looks like. Sometimes it looks like a man in a smart suit and then I look closer and he appears to fade away. The harder I concentrate on him the more he seems to melt away”.

“You know, I’m willing to bet that’s Phillip West from Codename” Claire said with a thoughtful look on her face. “It was a show made in 1970 but they wiped the tapes so nobody really knows much about it”.

“Lets get a drink” suggested Trebor and then we can get a closer look at him. “A logical decision, I suggest ordering whatever the locals are having” said tdt. “To better fit in with the surrounding, obviously, ahem”.

Walking up to the bar they looked for a bar tender or waiter to take their order. Nobody seemed to be around.

“Are we just supposed to help ourselves”? wondered Paige.

“Help yourselves?… _help_ yourselves”? A voice drifted up from behind and below the bar counter before a man in evening dress popped up and smiled radiantly at them.

“Of course you don’t help yourselves. That’s _my_ job”! “You’re the bar tender here”? enquired Claire. “No I’m the chap who helps himself, please do keep up dear lady”.

“Raffles…..” screamed Wolfie, almost leaping over the bar in an effort to hug him. “You’re A.J. Raffles, you’re my hero”. The rest of what was said was unintelligible as Raffles found himself being hugged tight by an emotional Wolfie. “Ahem, sorry about that but I’ve always wanted to meet you, you’re amazing and so is Bunny, how is Bunny by the way? Are you guys alright? What are you doing right now and why the hell are you hiding behind a bar in a club in what looks like the 1970s judging by the dodgy wallpaper”?

When Wolfie finally paused for breath Raffles managed to reply “Er, thanks, I think, thanks again, I agree Bunny is very amazing, he’s fine, we’re both fine, right now I’m talking to you and I’m not hiding I’m… O.K. yes I’m hiding but it’s for a good reason. I have procured a present for Bunny” lifting his top hat he shows off a gleaming diamond and sapphire studded tiara. “I got him this to go with the powder blue dress I’m going to buy him for Christmas. The sapphires will look perfect with it and will bring out the lovely champagne blue of his eyes”.

Suddenly aware of how he had been waxing lyrical about his beloved Rabbit for the past several minutes Raffles replaced his head gear and cleared his throat. “Ah well, must be off chaps, very pleased to have met you all, must be getting back to Albany and our cosy little burrow” and with that he disappeared out of sight behind the bar again.

“It’s a pity Lieutenant Toni couldn’t make it tonight” said Wolfie, still in a daze. They would have loved to have met Raffles.

“Yeah, working double shifts is a bitch” groused Chippa. “It’s not like Starfleet even pays us.”

“Well that was three Tony characters” said Katie, “where are the other twenty, the place seems almost deserted”.

“Let’s try over there” Chippa said, pointing towards the tables. “I can see some people sitting at a table over by the dance floor”. “You’re right, there’s another group over there, opposite the bar, it looks as if they are playing cards” Wolfie said.

Heading towards the first group they stopped short when they heard raised voices. There were four gentlemen sitting at the table having a heated discussion about what the evenings entertainment should be.

The eldest of the four, a refined looking gentleman with greying hair and an elaborate buttonhole was speaking. “Look at this place,” he waved an arm around the club, pointing out the gaudy decor. “It looks terrible. We need to put on a fashion show. Get some pretty ladies with some pretty dresses and give the place a bit of class”.

“We don’t need fashion shows to show we’re cultured Victor” said a handsome man in his mid thirties who seemed to be wearing what looked to be a semi transparent shirt with a strangely mesmerising pattern. “What we need is art. Let me speak to my contacts and I’ll soon have the walls covered in pictures that will look as classy as you like”.

“I know the kind of pictures you’d put up” responded the creepy looking guy who up until then had been sitting quietly, saying nothing. You would put up insipid watercolours of boring landscapes whereas my photographs are much more…”

He trails off as a striking looking man in a blue pinstripe suit and tinted glasses walks up to the table. “Robin McCreepykiller”? he says to the would be photographer. The way he speaks it is more of a statement than a question. “My name is Paul Fredericks, I’m here to take you away for questioning regarding a recent murder. We think you could be useful to us in controlling the population, please come with me”. The two men walk away leaving fashion fan Victor Stride and art lover David Kennedy looking after them in puzzlement.

The third man at the table is all dressed in black. “That man is powerful” he muses to himself, “Art and fashion are not the sort of trifles we should be talking about. What we need is magic. Let me sort out the entertainment and I can promise you it will be memorable” he boomed.

“No baron” Victor and David both said together. “I don’t think the kind of magic show you have in mind involves pulling rabbits out of hats” said Victor. “Definitely not” said David, shuddering. “I suspect black magic is involved and we don’t want anything to do with that. Not even if you offer me a nun in Wellington boots to serve as the glamourous assistant”.

While the men in front of them had been discussing the entertainment Wolfie had wandered towards the other table. The lieutenant beckoned them over with an excited bounce. “Look guys, they’re playing cards, just like Bunny did in The First Step. Let’s see if there is a place free at the table”.

“Don’t be daft Wolfie” said Trebor, “you know how badly that turned out for poor Bunny. We don’t want you to gamble away your uniform”

The others laughed and Wolfie pouted, saying “but I just want to be like Bunny.”

“I wouldn’t recommend it” Chippa said. “That’s Maurice Michaelson dealing the cards and he’s the best card player in Camden town.” “Yes, and the hottest” murmured Katie and Claire together before glancing at each other and grinning.

“The five guys with him are all look like shady characters too” said Paige. “Hey, don’t call Major Mohn shady, he’s just misunderstood” tdt leapt to the defence of the Luftwaffe ace. “I’ll admit that the rest of them are dodgy as anything: George Webster has been accused of smuggling but nothing was ever proved, the same with that hot guy in the RAF uniform, Dickie Marlowe. He got ended by too much furniture”

“I bet he was wishing the stuff was flat pack” joked Chippa. She was going to comment on the other two men but she found her mouth had gone dry when she realised just how good Michael Seymour looked in that lovely grey jacket and just how many muscles dear Merovius was showing. _So that’s how the Roman’s conquered the world_ she thought. _Just walk in and flash those gorgeous arms and everyone would surrender and throw themselves at you!_

Before anyone could give ensign Chippa a kick and wake her up from her musings on the sexiness of Tony’s arms, (very), a microphone whined with feedback and a camp voice called out.

“Hello my lovelies, can I have your attention please, yes you there, over by the card table, the drooling one and her friends, I mean you”.

Startled the seven Starfleet officers looked towards the dance floor where there was now a stage and a row of chairs in front of it.

“We’re not classy enough for art and although I love a good dress up I don’t think that’s what you lovely people are looking for tonight” said the slightly camp voice. I might just be a chauffeur but I’m a good judge of character too so let the floor show commence…” Saying this he flounced off, taking the microphone with him and was promptly replaced by a guy in what looked like leather trousers.

“This is not at all like my usual waltzes that I play” stammered Rudi Kleiber looking altogether too cute. “I’m told the young people love this kind of music though”. Sitting down at his piano he started to play…

Starfleet’s finest had just taken their seats, but at a disappointed look from Rudi they returned them and sat down.

As the first notes are played on Rudi’s piano there is a bustle of commotion from stage right. As he starts to sing five men appear on the stage, one at a time to stand in a line. First out looking somewhat older than the rest but still handsome in his dark trousers and white shirt was Vickers, Toby Meres closely followed him looking hot as hell in a pale grey suit, the next man out was wearing an RAF uniform with multiple medal ribbons on it and went by the name of Jim Stanton. Completing the line-up were Tully in a bottle green suit and James Eliot in a little black dress. “Don’t say a word,” he mouthed to the crowd. “I lost a bet with Harriet”.

Suddenly Rudi starts to sing and the men on stage come alive.

_“I’m looking for some hot stuff baby this evening, some hot stuff baby tonight, looking for my hot stuff baby this evening, gotta have some lovin’ gotta have Tony tonight…”_

The guys on stage are all gyrating their hips and removing their clothes and the Starfleet officers are either whooping like lunatics in encouragement or don’t know where to look, no prizes for guessing who the former might be.

Just as it gets to the grand finale and the guys are left in just their underwear a strange magician materialises at the side of the stage unnoticed. The music reaches it’s crescendo, Rudi’s gorgeous singing voice gets to the end of the song and the men reveal all…. Which turns out to be little cartoon trains with Chuggington written on the side. They just seem to be floating in the air, protecting the modesty of the otherwise naked men.

Sorry about that says the magician as Toby, James and co run off backstage a quick flash of crack appearing, (as if there isn’t enough here), before a hastily summoned train covers all.

“Who the heck are you” exclaims Chippa, “what’s with all the cartoon trains”?

“I am Mr Mistereoso” replies the magician. “I represent the holodeck safety features”.

“Yeah, but what the hell has that got to do with Chuggington the cartoon train”? moaned Chippa dejectedly. “I was looking forward to that finale”.

“As you know, there is a built in safety feature so that no one may get injured or even die whilst using the holodeck. It was deemed that several of you may suffer injury due to high blood pressure and shock and therefore the safety feature kicked in, thus explaining the cartoon trains”.

“Fascinating” said lieutenant tdt as the club faded away and the stark black and yellow grid of the now empty holodeck brought them back to reality. “Fascinating… and not a little disappointing”.

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies to Tony and his many and varied characters, Donna Summer and her song that just fit's so well 😁 and most of all to you poor people on discord who I've no doubt slandered and maligned. All in good fun though.
> 
> And if you're not one of those people, I have no idea why you might be reading this but thank you anyway!


End file.
